Disobedience

Today I break a rule: I post without permission.

It has been clearly set from the first that I write the posts, but it is my Master’s choice what and when to publish. He has allowed me to take the steps to post, but always. ALWAYS. The decision is to be his what is ultimately done. It is his blog. I simply write it. Today I willfully break this rule to publish a post about my truest feelings for my Master.

We have been connected this way for only a short time in the grand scheme of things. When first we met he was an intriguing but dangerous game to play online, but nothing long-term. When you’ve connected to someone through something like online porn it becomes a little foolish to try to seem innocent. Instead I focused on being unattainable. Elusive. Evasive and, most of all, safe. I had seen all the Public Service Announcements. I knew that this was a bad idea and planned to only tease this confident, cocky mystery man before abandoning him to his failure. I would laugh as I walked away, untouched.

This was my plan. Now looking back I laugh at the idea that my plans had any influence on our game. I was lost from the start, and yet so magnificently won.

In the first months I was enthralled by each new experience he devised. Each interaction brought a new first. The first time I knelt before another.

Sucked down my own slick to please someone.

Fucked myself on command.

Came on command.

Called someone Master. Called myself slave.

Worshipped. Adored. Transformed. Obeyed. All transcendant firsts. For the first man who ever understood what I need and how to bend me to get it. I understood what I had discovered, what had discovered me. Mind-demolishing sex and lust and playing and humiliation and never-ending desire. These were simple concepts and easy to see how to fit them into my simple life.

And yet these were but the beginning.

On this day of all days I tell you that once again I had no idea what was to come. The simple additions I predicted are certainly now part of my world, and I crave these moments constantly. But more than that I crave the man; the Master. His attention, his companionship, his support and respect, his protection and his love. I have his love and he, more than I ever imagined possible, has mine.

He, through his ownership and guidance, has made me the person I would never have thought possible. His influence on my life knows no boundaries – he touches me more than erotically. His touch slides through my mind and into my heart; it wraps strong, beautiful fingers around my thump, thump and squeezes so I feel each beat stronger than ever before. I feel. For the first time in so very, very long I can once again feel deeply and rapturously. He captured me and in that simple action he freed me. Yet with all of this contradiction I know only this: it is my dearest wish to stay in his tight grip forever.

I was prepared to worship and adore and be transformed and obey, but I was never prepared for this: I love, love, love my Master. For these reasons I disobey his rule on this day.

I love you Master.